Thinking back to high school I never really felt I had a plan; there was so much pressure not only from my peers but from teachers to make a decision on my future, which university? Which city? What career path? I don’t think anyone at that age really understands how important those choices are. So, I chose a University and chose a course. I drank myself though 3 years at uni, didn’t really learn anything and came out the other end with a load of debt and a job in sales which I enjoyed but didn’t really have much passion for. Luck was definitely on my side though as I stood out as a high performer and within 18 months I had secured my first promotion and large salary increase. I then bought my own house and began living like an ‘adult’ – whoop for me. Lady luck came knocking again 2years later and I got another promotion with more money and a better role within the business. This is around the time when I fell head over heels in love- BANG. What the heck was this? I’d not felt like this since I was 13 years old, getting flustered and sweaty every time the boy came to talk to me. How embarrassing. So we had our first date, and the whirlwind romance commenced; weekends in Paris, Rome, Lisbon, the Lakes, Liverpool, London the list is endless. He then popped the question to me 10 months in and I decided to sell my house, leave my job and move to his city, 2 hours from my life in Northumberland. I bought into his house, got a new job in the same place as him and began planning our future. Sounds amazing right? Every girl’s fairy tale? An outsider would say I had it all, the perfect life for a 29 year old. What’s that about? Why do we think we need a career, house, husband and kids by a certain age? Who told us that?
After 18 months of living this new life, I hit rock bottom. What was wrong with me? I had everything I had ever dreamed of, but I was so sad, angry and lonely, and felt like had no support network around me. I had done everything over the last 18 months for my other half, for ‘us’ and I had totally forgotten about myself. So I went to see the GP because I must be sick? She was great, and talked me though the huge changes I had made in my life and that only I could make myself feel happy again. It was up to me to create happiness and it was no one else’s job to make me feel happy. So over the next few months I joined a ladies group, started salsa lessons, began Yoga and started seeing a counsellor. All of which I believed would help me to make friends, relax me and make me feel happy again. It didn’t work though, my anxiety, anger and sadness just worsened and I blamed all my feelings on my other half. In hindsight this was wrong, it wasn’t his fault. Only I had the key to my own happiness.
So, I took a huge risk, and a big step and left my partner and my job. I know you’re thinking ‘idiot’ ‘fool’ ‘selfish cow’, but this felt right to me, I felt a sense of relief. Even though I had no clue how I was going to live, where I was going to live, how I would pay my bills, what I was going to do -this somehow was right for me.
I still love my partner more than anything in the world, but as selfish as it sounds I need to do this for me. I need to find happiness. I want to learn how to be happy again. I want to learn how to sustain ‘happy’ and feel content.
So I’d like to invite you on my journey of finding myself and finding contentment and happiness for all to enjoy.
Lots of Love